by Chayim Newman, M.A.
How often do we engage in behaviours that are unhealthy for us even though we know they’re unhealthy? Do we drink too much when we go out socially? Eat foods that are bad for us even though we know we shouldn’t? Engage in pseudo-intimate fleeting sexual encounters that leave us feeling empty in the morning? [Insert your own pattern of behaviour here].
Now, of course, for some individuals, they don’t see these behaviours as problematic for themselves. And to those people, I say… enjoy!
For many, however, some of the less-than-healthy behaviours they engage in are ego-dystonic – that is to say, not in concordance with their values or self-image. These behaviours engender feelings of guilt, shame, or anger. And yet, strangely, despite the associated negative emotion, they continue to engage in them over and over again. To err is human. And it seems, to make the same error over and over again, while being aware of the error in the very moment of action is human too.
We are very complex beings, and there are obviously many layers to address in getting to the root of why we engage in ego-dystonic behaviors. Here is one element that I often try to explore in clinical settings when working with clients struggling in this arena. Bob Dylan once sang, “It may be the devil or it may be the Lord, but you’re gonna have to serve somebody”. The research indicates that human beings have a strong need for autonomy (freedom to choose their life’s direction), affiliation (genuine connectedness), and agency (to be meaningfully impacting their environment/context). When we lack meaningful connections to others, if we feel trapped or stripped of freedom to live independently, or when we aren’t engaging in productive, goal-oriented behaviours that in some way impact the world around us, there can be a very deep sense of emptiness, worthlessness, or deficiency. That’s where Mr. Dylan comes in.
Often, we aren’t even aware of these deep-rooted needs for the “3 A’s”, but when we feel the resultant sense of lack when they are unfulfilled, it is a powerful motivator to action. We act to fill that sense of lack. And it may be the devil or it may be the Lord… Often, the unhealthy band-aid behaviours we use to placate this sense of lack are more accessible, require less effort, and provide a strong, quick fix, as opposed to the significant effort and serious commitment required to develop new patterns of healthy behaviours and meaningful relationships.
Moral of the story: If one finds oneself stuck in a pattern of ego-dystonic behaviors that leave feelings of guilt, shame, regret or anger, one may want to try the following formula. First, let’s not make things worse by beating ourselves up over having fallen prey to the band-aid solution. Accepting, instead, that to band-aid is human too. Second, considering the state of the “3 A’s” in our life, and examining whether we are feeling unfulfilled in terms of autonomy, agency, or affiliation. And lastly, giving some thought to more ego-syntonic ways to fulfill these innate needs, engaging in behaviors that enhance our sense of self, match our chosen ideals and values, and leave us feeling a sense of pride and self-respect the next morning.
