Difficult Decisions

Posted on February 20, 2012 by admin

by Kristene A. Doyle, Ph.D.

I would say that it’s inevitable that at some point in your life, you will be in a situation that requires a difficult decision. You choose “a” over “b”, not necessarily because “a” is positive, but perhaps it’s just not as negative as “b”. It may be the lesser of two evils, at least from your perspective. I was recently put in the position of having to make a very difficult decision, and it was shocking how certain individuals in my life reacted negatively to my choice. They even told me I was wrong, which frankly I saw as comical given that my decision had nothing to do with them. But they made it about them. I did not make myself angry about this by expecting or demanding them to see my point of view and agree with me. I won’t lie- I was frustrated. I told myself that my decision was for me, and any negative reactions had more to do with the individuals themselves and not about me. This has helped me to feel compassion towards them when they express their opinions. So if you find yourself in the position of having to make a difficult decision, my advice is to do what you think is best at the time with the information you have. And remember that your decision will not please everyone. That’s life.

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To Blog or Not to Blog….

Posted on February 16, 2012 by admin

by Eric Sudler, M.S.

That is the question. Should I just keep putting this off or should I just do it and get it over with? The demands of producing a blog on a regular basis seems pretty unbearable sometimes. It’s amazing how something seemingly so simple can annoy you to no end. It’s really quite simple in theory: Write about whatever’s on your mind. Couldn’t be easier. Technically, there’s always something on your mind, so I have that part covered. Next step is to write it down or type it up. I own a computer so that, too, is covered. Why then do I have so much trouble writing these things?

Could it be perfectionist tendencies? Is it my procrastination? Perhaps a combination of the two? Research has shown that perfectionism and procrastination are oftentimes intermingled when it comes to not completing tasks. It is believed that there are 3 main types of perfectionists: Those of us who have unrealistic demands for ourselves; those of us who have unrealistic demands for others; and those of us who try to meet unrealistic demands from others. Of course these categories are not mutually exclusive. You can fall into more than one. Different people fall into different categories depending on the task and the conditions at hand.

There are numerous theories behind these kinds of perfectionist/procrastinators. Some theorize that the fear of failure drives the avoidance of a task. It can also be linked to embarrassment for not living up to your own rigid standards when you fail to complete a task. Others think it is the fear and dread of looking foolish in front of others that causes the maladaptive delay of a task. Procrastinators see this delay as a form of self-preservation (despite the aversive effects) because it protects them from these uncomfortable feelings. For them, it’s much easier to say “I ran out of time. Otherwise, I would have completed this task.” They’d prefer to be looked at as a potentially hard worker who just needs the perfect conditions to thrive.

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Group Therapy at the Albert Ellis Institute

Posted on February 13, 2012 by admin

by Magda Murawska, M.Ed.

Deciding to begin therapy is often a big decision. For most people, it takes about 6 months from the time that they decide they would like to seek therapy to the time they actually make their first appointment. But what if you think that receiving therapy would be beneficial for you, but you’re looking for something other than individual therapy? Another option is group therapy. Group therapy allows people to work with a therapist to address beliefs or behaviors that are negatively impacting their life. The additional benefit of taking part in group therapy is that it allows you to see that other people struggle with similar difficulties.

Here at the Ellis Institute, in addition to individual therapy services, we also offer group therapy. I wanted to take the time with this blog to let you know about the upcoming and continuing groups taking place at the Institute.

Anger Group (Ongoing, open to new members) – Co-led by one of the leading researchers on anger disorders, Dr. Ray DiGuiseppe, this group aims at helping people whose intense feelings of anger impact their private and professional lives. Members are taught to examine the beliefs that lead to their unhealthy anger, how to challenge these beliefs and develop more successful ways of dealing with future angry episodes.
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REBT for Trekkies: With Absolute Power… Comes Dismal Frustration Tolerance

Posted on February 10, 2012 by admin

by Rachel Waxman, M.A.

An early episode of the original Star Trek series attempted to answer the following question: What would happen if a group of people met an adolescent boy who was, for all intents and purposes, omnipotent? And the answer the screenwriters came up with was: Nothing good. In this episode, called “Charlie X,” the crew of the Starship Enterprise met up with a teenage boy who had been stranded away from other humans for most of his life and raised by an alien species who gave him powers of changing the forms of objects and making things disappear at will. Now the boy wanted to join a normal human society, but once he came on board the starship, trouble began. He did things like melting chess pieces in anger when he lost a game, making a young woman disappear when she didn’t requite his love, and destroying a whole ship on which he had felt disliked. The boy wasn’t vicious, just immature, and his actions were destructive because he felt he couldn’t bear having his desires unexpectedly frustrated.

Some aspects of the show are clearly dated, but the human capacity for low frustration tolerance is timeless. It wasn’t new in the 1960s when Star Trek was first aired, and it will surely still be around in the 23rd century (when the show is set). Further, evidence suggests that frustration tolerance develops over time (so that adolescents are less likely to have high frustration tolerance than adults), and that the surest way to prevent the healthy development of frustration tolerance is to keep getting everything you want. If you, like poor Charlie X, could bring everything you wanted into existence from the time you were a child, you would never learn how to cope with even minor things not going your way. On the other hand, if you’re like most adults and have had your share of nuisances or disappointments to deal with, you’re probably able to lose a board game without flying into a rage.
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My Life Story Will Not Be A Tragedy

Posted on February 8, 2012 by admin

by Mike Toohey, M.A.

This post will be a little difficult for me because it is a personal one, but I will do my best to be as honest as I can. It would be worth putting myself out there if even only one person finds some encouragement from this message.

Growing up I always thought I would die tragically. I’m not sure why I came to that conclusion, but I just had a feeling that I would. I knew in the back of my mind that something bad was going to happen to me, though I wasn’t sure what or when. I would be in an accident or get a fatal illness and die young. I wouldn’t say I was depressed; in fact, I enjoyed my life. I had a wonderfully supportive family, did well at school, and had close friends. All the more reason why, when something bad inevitably happened, it would be a tragedy.

A few days ago, I was fixating on testicular cancer. I thought about how it would be a tragedy if I had testicular cancer and lost a testicle. Then I considered: well, if I lost one testicle, at least the tragedy would have occurred and I would be able to move on with my life. I could absolutely live a full, meaningful life with one testicle. Then it dawned on me. If I lost a testicle, and I managed without it, there would be no tragedy. The tragedy would become losing the other. It was a catch-22. There was always something more tragic that could happen. Until I actually died, I would think my life would end tragically.
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Love the One You’re With

Posted on February 6, 2012 by admin

by Chayim Newman, M.A.

Seems like everyone I know is part of a couple. Married. Dating seriously. In a relationship. In an “it’s complicated”. Sometimes even in more than one of the above at the same time. And some of these couples are genuinely happy. I love that. But many of them struggle mightily in their relationships, as do many of the clients that I see at the Institute.

We can all agree that even the best relationships are challenging at times, and that to be happy as part of a dyad, and to stay happy for the long-term, takes a real lot of work. Partners in successful relationships learn to communicate, to be patient, to be flexible, to compromise, and to sacrifice for each other. I thought I’d share one thing that I’ve been noticing frequently among many of those couples who ARE having a difficult time.

Almost always, in a session, one partner will express something like “I can’t stand when my partner does x or says x to me. It makes me crazy”. They’ll get angry if a partner repeatedly criticizes one of their own behaviors, even though the partner has been criticizing this same behaviour for a decade, or they get upset when their partner doesn’t change some distasteful behavior, yet they’ve been doing that same behavior since the beginning of the relationship!!
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Rational Role Models

Posted on February 3, 2012 by admin

by Mary Russell, M.S.

According to REBT theory, when people are feeling overly upset or are doing things that may not be so great for them, they can help alleviate some of their difficulties by identifying the “simple” ABC’s of REBT. In short one tries to look for the:

Activating event (the thing about a situation that is most upsetting to them). This event will tend to trigger… Beliefs about that event that result in behavioral and emotional… Consequences. More often than not, people with emotional turmoil often hold irrational, rigid, and demanding beliefs about certain situations, people, or things. If these irrational beliefs can be identified they can be challenged and modified to be more rational. Ultimately, it is the hope that rational beliefs will lead to healthier and less hurtful emotional and behavioral consequences. A. B. C.

Makes sense? Yes.                   Logical? Sure.                   Easy? Not always.

Recently I found myself in a particularly stressful situation. As in the past, I tried to apply these “simple” ABC’s of REBT. They’ve worked for me before and I hoped they would help calm my state of anxiety, fear, and anger. Unfortunately, as I tried to find my A, I noticed there were actually several A’s, countless B’s, and multiple C’s. It was then that I found myself catastrophizing about my ABC’s and, at the very least, had the sense to recognize that I was in no position to identify and challenge my irrational beliefs while experiencing anxiety about my anxiety, fear, and anger! What started out as a seemingly simple way to help reduce my unhealthy negative emotions seemed utterly complex.
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Irony

Posted on February 1, 2012 by admin

by Mike Toohey, M.A.

I have been noticing a lot of irony within disorders, lately. In order to avoid feeling anxious or depressed we tend to behave in ways that decrease feeling upset temporarily, even though we exacerbate it in the long run by doing so.

The most noticeable to me is social phobia. People who fear social situations worry that they will be awkward, rejected and, inevitably, alone. Therefore, they withdraw from social situations in order to avoid the worrying that arises from the potential occurrence of rejection from the situation. Yet, by doing so they end up alone! Further, they increase their chances of being awkward since they avoid the opportunity to practice being social.

Another irony comes from types of depression. I have seen it time and time again where people who feel depressed won’t do potentially rewarding activities because they “feel too depressed.” Exercise has been repeatedly shown to have significantly positive effects on mental health. Yet, not exercising because we feel depressed happens all the time. Similarly, not eating healthily because we are upset occurs too. And then we feel depressed for not feeling healthily.

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Are You Ready for Some Football?

Posted on January 30, 2012 by admin

by Magda Murawska, M.Ed.

So it was another Sunday afternoon in January. The sky was crisp and the weather was unusually warm for this time of year. The possibilities for the day were endless – from visiting museums, to strolling in the park, to spending quality time with family. My Sundays have included very little of that, but a lot of talk about football. Now, to clear the air, I don’t hate football. There have been times when I actually enjoyed watching a game or two. But, since it’s that time of year, it just seams that everywhere you turn, there’s something related to football. Football on TV, football in the newspapers, football-related posts on Facebook. We’ve gone football crazy.

We’re investing so much time and money into this pastime, you would expect that people would spend it enjoying themselves. And many do, using game time to bond with friends over beer and good food. However, even when most people appear to enjoy themselves despite the progress of the game, there is always one or two people that spend this in a state of stress.

So what makes us turn what is meant to be a fun time into something that causes us distress? Very likely it’s the expectations that we place on the game and what the potential result means to us. Of course, we all want the team that we’re rooting for to win – that makes the experience so much more fun. However, when we demand that they win or expect that they do (for example, if we expect that wearing our jersey or not washing our socks will lead our team to victory), we may be in for a rude and unhappy awakening. But if we really think about it, why should our chosen team win? Just like, where does it say that life is fair and the universe fulfills all of our wishes, where does it say that just because we root for a team or do a special ritual, they have to win? Though we may want them to win, we have to realize that we can’t demand that they do so. If we make such demands, we’re going to be very unhappy when our demand isn’t fulfilled. We’re going to be left experiencing the unhealthy emotion of anger, one that does not enrich our life or make us a fun person to be around. It also may end up ruining an experience that is supposed to be enjoyable.

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Things That I Have Learned From My Clients

Posted on January 18, 2012 by admin

by Ricky Hornblass, Ph.D.

It is generally assumed that throughout the course of a therapeutic relationship, the therapist is focused on helping his/her clients and that the client receives all of the benefit from the interaction. However, throughout my career as a psychologist, I have come to realize that I often learn many things from my clients:

1. It’s important to be a well-rounded person: During my first year of graduate school I worked with a young child. While meeting with his mother, she mentioned a recent current event which I had no knowledge of. She looked at me and said, “Girl, you better get your head out of those books and know what’s going on in the world.” I am now proud to say that I subscribe to three different news magazines and read about things other than psychology.

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